Deception #11 The Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys (The Parental Desire Problem)

I'm in a series of posts working through answers to the question: "What's keeping us stuck?" "Why are we in careers that make such poor use of our natural talents and aptitudes?" I've identified about 20 places people in our culture get deceived. If you have parents, are a parent, or somehow operate in a parental type roll, pay careful attention to this one.

Many would question or affirm the wisdom found in the lyrics of Country and Western Music probably depending on their appreciation of the style. With all do respect to Willie Nelson who sings Don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys… make ‘em be doctors and lawyers and such… maybe we need to rethink that verse.

Jack and Suzy Welch tell a story in their book Winning that represents this trap very well. A student was about to graduate from Harvard and he set up an appointment to get career advice from one of Jack’s friends who was very familiar with investment banking and management consulting. His friend reported that she answered each question the young man had very thoroughly and he took good notes but that he wasn’t especially curious about anything. After about 30 minutes he thanked her politely and stood up to leave. As he did this, he stuck his note pad inside a folder and she noticed that it was totally covered with very detailed drawings of cars.

“Wow, those are amazing! Who did them?” she asked.

In the blink of an eye the student was full of energy as he said, “I did—I’m always drawing cars… my dorm room is covered with posters and paintings of cars—I subscribe to every car magazine! I’ve been obsessed with cars since I was five years old. My whole life, I’ve wanted to be a car designer. That’s why I’m always going to car shows and NASCAR races. I went to Indianapolis last year—I drove there!”

Jack’s friend tried to convince the student that he actually belonged in Detroit or working for a car company. But she said he deflated just as quickly as he had come to life a few minutes earlier.

“My dad says the car business is not what I went to Harvard for.”

She wasn’t surprised when she bumped into the father a few months later and he proudly told her that his son was working 80 hour weeks at a Wall Street firm.

Jack Welch continues, “I know someone who literally became a doctor because his entire childhood his mother—a Polish Immigrant who loved the American Dream—introduced him by saying, “And here’s my doctor!” He didn’t hate the profession, but you’ve never met anyone more eager to retire. Welch summarizes his thoughts with this: “Working to fulfill someone else’s needs or dreams almost always catches up to you.”

Isaac Newton followed his inner pull and became a world class physicist, mathematician, astronomer, and theologian. Imagine if he had followed his mother’s desire that he run the family farm. Dvorak and Handel were world class composers. Dvorak’s father wanted him to become a butcher and Handel’s father hoped that he would pursue law.

If you are a parent your role should be one of objectively trying your best to help your child discover their own unique design, passions, talents and then support them relentlessly in their pursuit. If you are a child of a pushy parent, adult or otherwise, it’s critical that you respectfully listen to their viewpoint and then go on to be about following the trail of gifts and desires God has placed deep inside.

I love the Amplified Bible’s Translation of Proverbs 22:6

“Train up a child in the way he should go [and in keeping with his individual gift or bent], and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

There are probably a variety of reasons parents push their kids toward work that is often unsuited for them. Some parents want to continue building their business and legacy. Some parents are trying to live their lives vicariously through their children. If I had a son, I’m sure I would have nudged him pretty hard toward baseball, hoping he could do what I didn’t. For some it may be pride, for others security. Mother’s may be particularly inclined to push their kids in the direction of jobs that they feel are “secure” especially if a father or a spouse didn’t provide what they considered a level of security. Sometimes parents just think they know better. Maybe occasionally they do...

Each new generation provides new challenges for parents. I remember growing up reading the biography of baseball great Ty Cobb who is still on anybody’s short list of top players of all time. His father wasn’t thrilled about his son’s passion for baseball, believing it to be a complete waste of time with no future. With today’s multi million dollar salaries most parents take a gentler view of baseball as a career choice today. I grew up in a church sub-culture where film, stage, and secular music careers would have been seriously frowned upon. We pretty much withdrew from, Hollywood, Nashville, and Broadway.

But, what about video gaming?

What about snow boarding and skate boarding?

What about MMO (Massively Multiplayer Online) or Synthetic Universe Games like Eve?

Before you judge to quickly I recommend Total Engagement: Using Games and Virtual Worlds to Change the Way People Work and Businesses Compete by Byron Reeves and J. Leighton Read.

I don’t have all the answers. I recognize that some of these new options have sub-cultures that are fraught with danger and if you are a parent you have every right to be concerned. Just be careful you don’t let your fear keep your son or daughter from the career God designed them for.